Five reasons to be happy that Trump is the US President! (And other parlour games!)

[The blog went off the boil because it takes a while to write and I have a fair whack of Spanish study to be doing. Back now though.]

Preparation H - the only hemorrhoid cream you'll ever need

Preparation H – the only hemorrhoid cream you’ll ever need

OK, so the satanic small-handed master of the nothing at all has been elected President of the United States.

Almost 48 hours have elapsed since this most considered and thought out decision.

With hoards of Americans heading for the Canadian border, and a spate of racist attacks across the US, things are starting to feel a little bit… apocalyptic? Even Mel Gibson’s career seems to be in the midst of a resurgence.

However, never fear – for every cloud has a silver lining. Although to be fair, the lining of this cloud is probably more of a dirty, off-copper colour.

But a lining all the same! So, without further ado, here are five reasons to be happy Trump is now the President elect!

1. Expand your professional boundaries!

Do you find the perusal of job specifications a disheartening experience? So nearly coming up to scratch, only to have your dreams thwarted by a missing GCSE in Maths, or a deficiency in lifesaving training?

Well, as Grandmaster Trump has shown us, none of that nonsense is going to matter anymore. All you have to do is believe in the American Dream, and somehow figure out how to leverage people’s inherent racism to your advantage.

In the spirit of this, I plan on Making Open Heart Surgery Great Again.

For too long, the people have grown weary of hearing that these procedures should be performed by “trained surgeons” backed by a crooked mainstream media elite.

Pictured: A meeting of the Bilderberg Group

Pictured: A gathering of the Bilderberg Group

What the world needs is someone smart, someone with who knows business, someone with a set of pliers and a toothbrush.

Someone like me.

God bless the United States.

2. Cash Money Baby!

Remember those Wall Street power elites that Hillary was in red-hot cahoots with?

It seems they’re taking the election of America’s new crusader of the proletariat in their stride, and the Dow Jones, the S & P 500 and the Nasdaq have all seen their values rise.

Probably a circling of the wagons before Comrade Trump really hits them below the belt by stripping away all regulation in the sector.

This deregulation is also great news if you own a prison, a pharmaceutical company or an oil well.

Expect to start stacking some serious Benjamins if you cash in on incarceration, create opioid addictions for optimum profits or oil your pockets with oil from… the ground.

3. Let’s hear it for the men with no hair!

Ever met a man with a bad wig?

As in you can see the sides of his head where his hair is missing, and then whatever he has on top looks like a shiny, half-melted liquorice all-sort?

Well take a look at these two twats…

Pictured: A pair of twats

Pictured: A pair of twats

Male pattern baldness is serious business and impacts on a lot of us, myself included.

These men are shining lights for the guys out there who don’t feel like taking it graciously.

It is sort of like if Right Said Fred didn’t think they were too sexy, and – feeling the burden of their own insecurities – had some Dr Frankenstein incarnation of Vidal Sassoon glue the contents of a hairdresser’s floor to their heads.

And those guys both run countries!

If Jackie Healy-Rae was still alive no doubt he would be drafted in to help in some sort of special-advisory capacity.

If Jackie had a part in all of this, at least the roads would be getting fixed

If Jackie had a part in all of this, at least the roads would be getting fixed

4. At least you now know for sure!

Nothing worse than getting a job rejection letter back with the same generic message sent out to every failed candidate.

It might read something like this:

‘Sorry, we received a large number of well-qualified applicants for the position, and after careful consideration, we have decided not to bring you forward to the interview stage. We wish you the best of luck with your future endeavours.’ 

These always leave you wondering.

‘Where did I go wrong?’, ‘Should I change the layout of my CV?’, ‘Was using the HR manager’s first name too personal?’

I imagine if you live in the United States, and you’re a woman, a person of colour, a disabled person, a person from a minority religious group or pretty much anyone that isn’t red-meat eating, tobacco-chewing white male, most of your life must be filled with small moments a bit like that.

And this election has sort of been like sending off the follow-up email to ask if they could specify exactly what the thinking was behind your rejection.

Well, the response is in, and it’s something like this:

‘Yep, sorry. It’s just that we’re all a bunch of ignorant racists is the thing. So while many of us will still say this is something to do with Hillary Clinton being more a member of the elite than a second generation multi-billionaire, we also found it very sexually exciting when Donny said he was going to ban all those God Damn Muslims from getting in.

Soz.

 Thank you for your application, and God bless the United States of America. 

5. Yeah, there isn’t a fifth reason. Coming up with four was a pretty big stretch.

Also, standards are going to start dropping off a cliff. Get used to people ducking out of their promises.

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One thought on “Five reasons to be happy that Trump is the US President! (And other parlour games!)

  1. Good to see you back on the job again, Michael. Here’s a fifth reason: artists and comedians always do better under lunatics – they’ve got far more to work with. Keep up the good work!

    Like

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